


even i don't understand my brain

by howdoesonewritethings



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ace!Virgil, Acephobia, Angst, Asexuality, Fluff, Honestly I started writing this and was like its gonna be a trainwreck but oh well, I hope you like it, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Pining, Swearing, This is my first sanders sides work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-15 01:47:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14781288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdoesonewritethings/pseuds/howdoesonewritethings
Summary: It can be hard to fit in, and just as Virgil feels comfortable with the other sides, changes make him think about his most painful secret.





	1. why am i different?

For the first time in quite a while, Virgil managed to be the first one to stumble into the kitchen, yawning, his eyes bleary, with smudges of the dark eyeshadow that he hadn’t removed from the previous day still evident under his eyes.  He immediately headed over to the kettle, flicking it on in order to make himself some tea. For a long time, he used to wake up and immediately make himself a cup of instant coffee, but Logan had pointed out that that habit was both unhealthy, and that several scientific studies had indicated that caffeine could lead to increased anxiety and, well…

Let’s just say Virgil wasn’t very good at arguing with Logan.

Speaking of Logan, he would also be making his way into the kitchen soon. Virgil glanced at the clock on the wall, checking the exact time, and then adding four, as all of the sides knew it was slow. 6:57. Logan would appear in precisely three minutes, completely punctual as always.

Virgil let his gaze wander as the kettle boiled. The kitchen in the mindscape was rather pretty, with black floor and marble countertops, the monochrome aesthetic coming across as quite striking. The centre of the room was mostly taken up by the table, which was fairly large considering there weren’t that many of them. I mean, did they really need eight stools? A large window stretched across one wall, leading to the small garden that Patton looked after. The sunlight was just shining through, illuminating the kitchen. The room was furnished with everything you would really need in a kitchen, and all of the sides were able to cook to some degree, most of them probably better than Thomas – with the exception of Roman who often attempted to cook things far beyond his ability and ended up setting the oven gloves alight.

As the kettle finished boiling, Virgil yawned widely once more, and started making the tea, setting a mug aside for Logan as well (who would be arriving in probably under a minute). He himself preferred a berry tea - they were ‘berry’ delicious as Patton said in delight at least once a week- whereas Logan preferred a mint concoction in the mornings.

Just as he finished pouring the water into Logan’s cup, the side himself appeared in the doorway, timing as perfect as ever.

“Good morning Virgil.” Logan greeted him upon entering the kitchen, looking slightly dazed, but awake and pristine nonetheless. Honestly, entering the communal space at 7am looking perfect was a skill that Virgil evidently did not possess, but Logan most certainly did, as he proved daily. “I must admit I am somewhat surprised to not see Patton here. Is he still asleep?” Logan asked, curiosity evident in his voice.

Most days Patton arrived in the kitchen at about 6:30, or sometimes even earlier, depending on how he had slept, Logan always arrived at precisely 7:00, and Roman usually dragged himself in, barely awake and a complete mess at 10:00. Virgil had the most unpredictable schedule, as sometimes he would be in the kitchen even before Patton, whereas other times he would remain in bed until well into the mid-afternoon.

“I’m not sure, I think so.” Virgil answered him, moving forward to hand the tea to Logan.

Logan gave him a slightly surprised half smile as Virgil approached with the hot mug. “For me? Thank you, Virgil, that is extremely considerate.”

Virgil couldn’t help but blush when their fingers brushed slightly as he handed over the mug, but hopefully it wasn’t too obvious, or Logan simply wouldn’t notice (which was unlikely considering how observant he was, but a side could hope). He withdrew and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, as he often did when feeling unsure, awkward or anxious. “No problem, Lo.”

Sometimes Virgil was surprised at how Logan was consistently so impeccably presented and ordered. To start the day at 7:00 looking as alert as was manageable at this hour, with pristine clothes and not a hair out of place was incredibly... impressive. And, if he was being honest with himself, slightly attractive. Not that Virgil would ever in a million years admit that aloud.

Virgil hopped onto the counter while Logan started to make himself some toast. Now it was time for Virgil to start his morning routine of scrolling through first Tumblr, and then the news, to see what other depressing things had occurred in the world whilst they had been sleeping. The world was a giant shitshow to be honest, but it was better to be aware of it than to have worldwide catastrophe flung at you without warning.

“Anything particularly notable in the news today?” Logan enquired as he efficiently removed the perfectly toasted golden-brown bread from the toaster. Logan generally tended to be supportive of any activity that involved the pursuit of knowledge and was aware of this habit of Virgil’s.

“Um…” Feeling slightly pressured now to find something interesting, Virgil scrolled a bit faster. “Well… everyone’s still talking about the new royal baby in England. Apparently, they’ve called it Louis.” He offered.

Logan hummed to show that he was listening and grabbed a knife and some butter from a drawer.  Technically the sides didn’t actually need sustenance, but food just tasted good, so they tended to eat it anyway. Logan deftly buttered his toast, and then approached Virgil, the slightly anxious look that he often adopted when deciding how to word something crossing his face.

“Virgil, would you at all mind evicting yourself from this perch temporarily, as I would very much appreciate being able to access the jar of crofters which is contained in the cupboard behind you?” Logan asked, speaking fairly quickly. Virgil chuckled lightly at Logan’s extravagant way of asking him to move, but at the same time he knew that Logan tended to overcompensate when he was nervous, as he tended to be as awkward in social situations as Virgil was, and most probably just wanted to avoid offending him.

“Yeah, sure.” Replied Virgil, quickly hopping off the counter and flashing his friend a smile to show that his efforts in tact were appreciated. Of course, being debilitatingly awkward, as he jumped off of the counter, he somehow managed to jump directly into Logan. Their faces were only a few centimetres apart, and Virgil had awkwardly flung his arms around Logan to prevent himself from falling.

There was an awkward pause, and Virgil could feel Logan’s breath on his cheek. They remained frozen in the moment for a few seconds, before Logan flicked his eyes up, his lips slightly parted, and Virgil remembered what was going on.

“Shit, sorry!” Virgil blurted, hastily extracting his arms from around Logan's waist and dodging away from the other side, and the awkward situation that he had managed to create. His blush would almost definitely be visible now. Logan looked down, his expression unreadable, and straightened his glasses which had been knocked slightly askew. Fuck, why did Virgil have to be so awkward literally the time?

Thankfully for him, he was saved by the arrival of Patton, who, surprisingly enough, was accompanied by Roman, who normally would still have been in bed at this time.

“Mornin’ Kiddos!” Patton greeted them cheerfully with a wave. He had his cat onesie tied around his blue polo this morning, meaning something was happening. Patton only ever wore his cat onesie instead of his cardigan on special occasions, as he knew Logan would likely berate him for it.

“Roman, this is an early hour for you to be awake.” Logan remarked, sounding confused. He was never particularly happy when the routine abruptly changed without warning, as he was a creature of habit.

Virgil glanced over for the first time since landing on him and felt guilty to see a faint blush on Logan’s face. He had probably made him uncomfortable by clinging onto him like that.

“Well yes…” Roman replied to Logan’s statement, drawing the attention back to himself. The creative side glanced at Patton, who looked back, eyes twinkling.

“Yeah, about that…” Patton said, drawing out the sentence, looking somewhat sheepish, though he was grinning. “It’s kind of my fault that he’s out of bed… We kind of have an announcement-“

Roman cut Patton off before he could finish. “Hang on, hang on, don’t we get some dramatic, tension building music?”

Nobody responded. Actually, at this point both Logan and Virgil just shared a glance filled with confusion. What the fuck was happening? “Sorry, what exactly is happening?” Logan asked, clearly on the same wavelength as Virgil.

Roman sighed as if all of the cares of the world rested on his shoulders. “Fine. No dramatic music then. See if I care.” He pouted, looking haughtily into the air. Patton smiled, and moved forward to wrap an arm around Roman’s waist. “You are so ‘extra’ Roman.” He told the man, grinning, before turning around grinning to look at Logan and Virgil.

“See, I’m down with the kids!” He exclaimed triumphantly.

“Has he been stealing your vocab cards again?” Logan asked Virgil out of the corner of his mouth, but Logan was distracted, having at this point clearly put two and two together. “So… you came to inform us that…” He trailed off suggestively, leaving Roman and Patton to fill in the blanks.

“We are together!” Roman put in, joyously.

“Romantically.” Patton clarified afterwards, as if it hadn’t been obvious.

Virgil’s heart plummeted. Oh.

“Wow, that’s… amazing guys! That’s… really great!” he told them, but his heart wasn’t really in it. Fortunately, the happy couple were too busy gazing at each other to really notice. Logan, however, did glance in his direction out of the corner of his eye, looking slightly concerned, but Virgil refused to glance back and acknowledge that he hadn’t responded with the appropriate level of enthusiasm.

It really wasn’t that he wasn’t HAPPY for them. He really was, he knew that they would make each other’s lives complete, and they both deserved that. Really.

It was just that… it served as a reminder of what he couldn’t have. Both because Logan had never shown any interest in pursuing romantic relations with any of the sides, and because even if he had, he wouldn’t want Virgil. Nobody would want someone that was…well.  Like Virgil. Broken. Useless.

But, in the interests of being supportive, he simply smiled as brightly as he could muster.

“Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised that the most emotional and romantic of the sides are together but… I’m sure you will make each other very happy.” Logan said, and sincerity was evident in his tone.

There was a pause, while the news still hung in the air, and nobody really knew what they were supposed to say.

Feeling uncomfortable, Virgil pushed his mug of unfinished tea away from him, and awkwardly rose from his seat, his stool scraping horrifyingly along the floor. “Cool, um… I have stuff to do, so I’m just gonna head upstairs…” He trailed off awkwardly, before practically fleeing the room.

He was happy for the two of them.

Really.


	2. i suppose maybe that's just how it is, but

It was a few days after Patton and Roman had revealed their relationship, and Virgil was just sitting in the corner of the living room, partially obscured by the sofa. It was late evening, and the rays of light shining through the glass doors at the end was orange-hued. Thomas had just finished editing a video which he was hoping to upload later this week, and Virgil had to do his job during the editing process. Somewhat tired from a day of criticising the new video and pointing out potential errors, Virgil was enjoying some alone time on his phone.

He wasn’t really doing much, just watching the new episode of Riverdale on his phone, with his headphones in and enjoying the solitude. He couldn’t watch it on the TV, as he would never admit that he actually liked the programme intended for teenagers, especially as none of the other sides did. The only time they did try to watch it as a group, Logan repeatedly pointed out plot flaws or scientific inconsistencies, Patton was just upset by the dead body and Roman kept loudly complaining about bad acting and script work. So, there he was, watching it alone in the corner.

Or he WAS alone, at least.

Engrossed in the episode, he was surprised to spot shapes coming through the open door in his periphery, and his eyes snapped up curiously, only to see to see the entry of Patton and Roman.

Patton was carrying Roman, who Roman had his legs wrapped around the other side’s waist, and they were making out passionately, pressed so close they were like one singular entity. Even through his headphones, Virgil could distinctly hear their loud giggles, and what sounded like hums of pleasure. Frozen, he continued to watch the two sides, eyes filling with tears, as Patton, set Roman down on his back on the sofa, and leant over the top of him, their lips never ceasing to be in contact with each other’s skin.

When Patton tilted his head to the side to gently pull on Roman’s neck with his teeth, Roman let out the loudest gasp he had ever heard, and Virgil dropped his eyes immediately, feeling moisture drip onto his lap. He couldn’t watch this anymore.

Evidently neither of the two had seen him in his position, so Virgil bit his lip and left quickly and quietly, tears stinging his eyes.

It wasn’t their fault, and he didn’t blame them for it in the slightest, he reminded himself as he fled down the halls of the mindscape towards his room. It was his own fault really, for being the way he was, but… it still stung to watch them kiss and be intimate, and have a normal, happy relationship. It felt like everything he couldn’t have was just being rubbed in his face, and it really, really hurt.

He arrived outside of his door, and flung himself inside, locking it immediately, sealing himself away from the rest of the mindscape. Truly alone once more, he crumpled to the floor, tears still dripping from his eyes as if he was nothing more than a leaky faucet, designed only to cry. Maybe he just didn’t deserve the kind of happiness Roman and Patton had.

It hurt to admit to himself how touch starved he was, and how badly he wished he could have the kind of bond with somebody that the two sides had, but it just would never work, for so many reasons.

The first reason was obviously Logan. At this point, alone in his room, with just his thoughts, it was impossible to deny to himself that he definitely had an unfortunate crush on Logan. Honestly how could anybody not crush on the fucking dork was a mystery, with his adorable way of adjusting his glasses, and how excited the man would get over something as simple as a puzzle, or any kind of brain teaser. He was only supposed to be Thomas’ logical side, but in reality he was so much more than that, especially to Virgil.

He was far from emotionless, anybody who had ever seen his eyes light up with curiosity, or seen him defend Patton against deceit could see that. He was intelligent and proud and curious with just a touch of adorable social ineptitude, but in a way that was far more excusable than Virgil’s own. But, Logan didn’t seem to be interested in him, or anyone, like that, and never had been, and it would be ridiculous to even consider that he would ever want to be romantically involved with Virgil of all people.

And that brought him to the next and, arguable bigger problem – the thing that was wrong within Virgil, the thing that was broken. Because there was something, something hugely, massively wrong with him, that probably shouldn’t be as much of a big deal as it was, but even so, it isolated him from everyone else he knew, the sides, Thomas, and all of the people Thomas interacted with on a daily basis. It made him feel entirely alone, and completely prevented him from ever having a chance at a stable relationship where he could feel loved, because it wouldn’t be fair to expect his partner to put up with it, when there was nothing he could give them in return.

Because ultimately, it all boiled down to one thing. Virgil hated sex. Despised it. He hated the idea of it, he hated anything to do with it, and he had never felt the urge to do it with anyone. It was just repulsive to him, and that scared him, because that wasn’t… well, normal. What kind of adult thinks sex is gross?

And it wasn’t Roman and Patton’s fault. They were happy, and really, Virgil was overjoyed for them. But sometimes they were inherently sexual, and that grossed Virgil out, which caused waved of self-loathing to overcome him. Or, even worse really, when they did something cute and romantic, and Virgil’s heart ached, because he wanted it so badly, but he would never be able to have it.

Virgil exhaled shakily and wiped his face with the cuff of his sleeve, before flopping onto his bed. He clearly wasn’t going to get anything productive done at any other time this evening, so he might as well go to bed in all honesty.

He changed into his pyjamas and pulled his duvet covers over him, trying to calm his still erratic breathing in order to fall into a blissful oblivion where he didn’t have to think about this. Countless times he turned and wriggled, but his mind was just too plagued by thoughts of his failure, his ultimate flaw.

After yet another sleeping position failed to tempt his fatigued body into sleep, his eyes flicked to the clock on the wall. 3:46 am. Great. He had been trying to sleep for almost 6 hours now, and had still not managed to succeed.

Giving up, he huffed and swung his legs out of bed. Why not get some water, he was fairly thirsty after crying earlier, and maybe the cool liquid would give him more of a sense of calm.

Yawning, he silently made his way downstairs, not bothering to turn on the kitchen light. He poured himself some water and added some ice cubes from the fridge.

The kitchen was good. Cooler that his room, more relaxing. Probably better, when he was in this frame of mind. Deciding not to return to his room just yet, he instead took a seat at the table, and just looked out of the window. It was a beautiful night tonight. The sky was clear, and the stars were all shining brightly from the heavens. Peaceful.

A slight creak from behind him alerted him to the presence of someone else. He turned quickly, to see none other than Logan himself standing in the doorway, hair the messiest he had ever seen it, clad in his unicorn onesie which Virgil privately thought was the cutest thing ever. His glasses were slightly askew, and he was looking at Virgil knowingly.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah.”

Without any more words being exchanged, Logan sat down next to Virgil at the table. He didn’t speak, but instead just looked out of the window, his breathing calm and steady. He seemed to understand that Virgil needed companionship right now but wasn’t in the mood for speaking.

Virgil let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding and turned his own gaze back to the window too. The silence between the two wasn’t uncomfortable, and it seemed like Logan understood him perfectly.

It was one of the less well-known things about Logan actually, but was a trait Virgil loved. Logan was an incredible listener and his instincts were usually perfect when it came to Virgil, and doing what he needed, even if Virgil didn’t know it himself. And Virgil felt like Logan understood him. Something about them just… worked.

They sat in contented silence for what felt like a fairly long time.

“Hey, Virgil?” Logan ventured after a while.

Virgil hummed in response, turning to face Logan. For a moment, Logan didn’t reply, and they were just looking at each other’s silhouettes, breathing in sync in the dark kitchen.

“I mean, I know I’m not as great with… feelings and things, especially not compared to Patton, or even Roman, but… just know that you can always talk to me if you need to, ok?”

Virgil smiled, his heart full at the fact that Logan was ignoring his own awkwardness when talking to people to make sure that Virgil felt secure. “Thank you, Logan. That means… more than you know.” And it did. l

“I think… I think I’m going to try and get some more sleep now.” Virgil said after a moment of hesitation. “But…” Before he could overthink it, Virgil laid one hand on top of Logan’s. The logical side’s hand was bigger than his own, and cooler, despite Virgil having held on to a glass of ice cold water for a while. “Thank you. For being with me tonight.”

Logan smiled. “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a short chapter, but I just wanted to get these two uploaded! I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Sera xx


	3. fuck, i wish it was okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, before this chapter I just quickly wanted to say thank you guys for reading so far, and express my love for the sanders side fandom as a whole, it is one of the purest and most supportive fandoms I have encountered yet and I absolutely love it! Anyway, there will be more notes at the end but yea, I just wanted to say that!

 

Virgil knew exactly what was going down as soon as the sounds from next door reached his ears. Why did Roman’s room have to be so close to his? And why were the walls of the mindscape so thin?

These sounds were so much worse than the ones made in the living room the previous day, partially because they were a million times more sexual, and partially because this time he knew that there were icky things going down.

Well, not icky. No NORMAL adult thinks of the totally normal adult behaviour of sexual intercourse as icky but… well. Then there was Virgil.

Deciding to continue his mission to get some sleep, he pulled a pillow over his head. It wasn’t THAT loud, right?

Wrong. Unfortunately for Virgil, the pillow was largely ineffective at blocking out the noise. He pressed another cushion against his ears, and rolled over, which helped… marginally. He closed his eyes, and tried to drift off despite the muffled sounds, but he was too aware of what was going on now, and was nonetheless uncomfortable with the knowledge, even without the noises loud and obvious against his ears.

He grumpily pulled the pillows off of his head. Well what on earth was he going to do now?

Maybe distracting himself from it would do the trick? It wouldn’t help him get any sleep, but he needed to practise his ukulele anyway, he didn’t want to get rusty. His prowess with the instrument was one of the few things Virgil was actively proud of, and it wasn’t like anyone else would hear him anyway, not with those… sound effects to cover it up.

So, Virgil pulled his ukulele out from its hiding place behind his dresser, brushed off the thin layer of duct that had accumulated since he had last played it – maybe he had waited a bit too long to play it again -and got started tuning it. None of the other sides actually knew about his talent with the instrument, because then they would want him to play for them and that would be way too much pressure. Plus, Roman would probably want to perform with him, the other side often complained about the fact that he was unable to play the instrument, but never actually bothered to learn.

After tuning it, Virgil got started on a piece he had been working on learning a while ago, but barely a few minutes into that made it clear the distraction tactic wouldn’t work either. He just ended up then being distracted from his distraction BY the distracting noises, which just brought him back to his original problem.

Frustrated and tired, he decided to seek out Logan, who would probably be having similar difficulties. He was hoping Logan would be able to come up with a solution that would involve him not having to listen to two of his best friends having sex without banging on the door and telling them to keep it down, because that would be – not to be too dramatic – literally the worst thing he would ever have to do in his life.

Okay, and maybe it was also because he hadn’t seen Logan yet today due to skipping breakfast, and he really wanted to hang out with him again, especially after the previous night.

So, Virgil found himself outside Logan’s door a few minutes later, his hand poised to knock and his heart thumping a little too fast for somebody just going to see their friend. It was ok. He could do this. He just needed to chill out, and-

Logan’s door opened suddenly, and Virgil jumped, having not actually knocked yet. Logan appeared, looking slightly aggravate, but, upon looking up from the floor and seeing Virgil, he smiled immediately. “Oh, excellent, I was just coming to find you Anxiety.”

Virgil frowned slightly. Logan only tended to call the sides by their trait if he was irritated, whereupon he resorted to the names he had called them during their early years, or in Virgil’s case, up until recently. Rationally, the annoyance probably wasn’t directed at him, and instead at the sounds still issuing loudly from behind Roman’s door, but Virgil wasn’t the rational side. That was Logan’s job. His job was worrying

“Um, yeah. I was just coming because…” Virgil trailed off, unable to find the right words to explain what he wanted to say.

“Those two are making way too much noise to get anything done and you didn’t know what to do?” Logan finished for him, eyebrows raised above his glasses, grinning somewhat knowledgeably.

Virgil smiled at his feet, somewhat sheepishly, his hand rubbing the back of his neck, as he often did. “Got it in one.” He joked, peeking up at the slightly taller side.

Logan grinned widely. “When am I not right?” He continued, without waiting for a response. “I was planning to ask if you wanted to watch some movies or documentaries downstairs, where hopefully the noise will be fainter, and the sound will block it out?”

Virgil looked up, smiling, surprised. “You always know exactly what to do Logan. PJ’s and Popcorn?” He asked, praying for a yes.

Logan smiled his happy open smile showing his perfect teeth, Virgil’s favourite of Logan’s collection of smiles. “Why not?”

Virgil grinned, and made his way downstairs to get the popcorn in the microwave, stopping past his bedroom on the way to change into his most comfortable pyjamas.

By the time he entered the living room, arms laden with two enormous bags of popcorn, Logan was setting up the TV, once again wearing his onesie. “What would you like to watch?” Logan asked, ever considerate.

“You haven’t seen the last few episodes of Blue Planet 2 yet, have you?” Virgil asked, smiling his lopsided grin, teeth glinting. Logan adored Planet Earth and Blue Planet, something Virgil knew extremely well, and he knew Logan struggled to watch it when Patton was around, because as much as they all loved the side, he did tend to squeal in delight rather loudly when confronted with any animal that wasn’t a spider, and Roman was likely to moan about the lack of plot or songs in anything based on fact instead of fantasy.

Virgil’s grin couldn’t do anything but increase when Logan’s head whipped round to face him, eyes sparkling with barely contained joy behind his glasses. “You would really want to watch that with me?” Logan asked, more excitement evident in his voice than one could normally detect from the logical side.

Virgil simply winked and threw him the box set (which Logan had purchased as soon as he had been able to, despite not having time to watch it). Logan let out a gasp of pure excitement, and even managed to catch it, his eyes shining as he put it into the DVD player.

They watched the three episodes Logan wasn’t caught up on in near silence, interrupted only by the quiet munching of the popcorn. Logan would probably cry if something interrupted him while watching this, but Virgil didn’t mind, as it gave him the opportunity to look at Logan in the dim light.

God, he was beautiful. Technically the sides all looked almost identical, but Virgil could swear that Logan’s jawline was shaped differently to his and the others, and Patton was the only other side to possess the spattering or freckles across his nose and face, which was only visible from up close. The logical side had long, dark eyelashes that brought out his eyes, and his lips looked to be perfectly soft, and not at all chapped-

At this point, Logan abruptly turned away from the screen, and gave him a soft smile, his face softly illuminated by the glow from the TV. Virgil jerked his eyes away, affixing them hastily to the screen in question, positive his cheeks were now stained red.

Logan’s gaze lingered for a few seconds, his smile not dropping, and Virgil was excruciatingly aware of that, but he refused to make eye contact, instead choosing to keep his eyes firmly glued to the screen. However, after a few seconds he lost his nerve, and turned his head to excuse his staring, feeling awkward.

Logan however, had other ideas. His hand slowly reached out towards the anxious side. Virgil froze as Logan cupped the side of his face with his hand, and gently dragged his thumb across Virgil’s lip, his throat feeling strangled, and his heart skipping a beat.

In that second, it felt like time itself completely froze, and the earth ceased to turn, and the only sensation he was aware of was Logan’s thumb brushing softly against his lip. He certainly forgot how to breathe, just staring at Logan with wide eyes, his brain having completely short circuited.

“You had a piece of popcorn….” Logan gently trailed off into the silence as he pulled his hand away, before turning back to look at the TV screen. Virgil nodded dumbly, turning his eyes back to the documentary, which was just about to end, his brain still completely fried.

He needed to stop overreacting. Logan was just being friendly; the other side didn’t DO relationships – they were entirely illogical. And even then, as he reminded himself once more, Logan would never want someone…

Someone like you, his brain whispered nastily.

Someone broken, it continued.

Virgil took a deep breath, and blurted the first thing that came to mind to distract himself from his own thoughts. “Wow, those were some cool… octopi.” Inwardly he cringed at himself. Octopi? Wow. Great.

Logan however smiled excitedly, his eyes alight. “Ah, yes, the Grimpoteuthis, commonly known as dumbo octopi! They’re fascinating, are they not? They are the one of deepest living type of octopus, there are 13 species within the genus, and their adaptions to cope with the depths are entirely fascinating. Also, as I am sure Roman would be delighted to know, they are indeed named after the character from the 1941 film Dumbo, due to the resemblance of their prominent fin to the ears of the character!”

Virgil inwardly breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t fucked up too badly. Damn his eternally awkward nature!

After a brief pause, Logan’s eyes flicked upwards as he concentrated, his mouth forming into a small smile. “I think Roman and Patton are finished with their… escapades for now. We could go back to our rooms now if you wish…?”

Logan sounded somewhat hesitant about the suggestion, and a part of Virgil prayed that it was because he wanted to spend more time with him. Surely it wouldn’t be weird to hang out for a bit longer? They were friends after all. He bit his lip and steeled himself for possible rejection. “I mean, I’m up for watching something else if you are?” Virgil suggested hopefully.

“Wonderful. I was thinking maybe… Heathers?” Suggested Logan, his mouth upturned. He knew that Virgil had felt a connection to the musical, especially after performing it with Thomas, and in his opinion the movie was even better, and he really liked the aesthetic. Virgil knew that it wasn’t one of Logan’s favourites, and nodded, feeling warm inside that Logan would watch a movie he didn’t particularly like in order to spend time with Virgil. Logan smiled fondly (or was that wishful thinking?) in response, and got up to switch it over with Blue Planet.

However, much to Virgil’s surprise, upon returning, he didn’t sit where he previously had been, but instead settled much closer to Virgil so that their knees were touching. Virgil bit his lip to keep from making a squeak that would give away his crush, but inwardly he was reeling. Could Logan…? No. No, it had probably been an accident.

Pushing his doubts from his mind, Virgil decided to just watch the movie and enjoy it.

Of course, having had virtually no sleep the previous night, Virgil was fairly tired at this point, and the darkened room and heat emanating from Logan next to him didn’t do anything to ease his drowsiness.

He originally attempted to suppress his yawns, but by midway through the movie he couldn’t keep sleep at bay any longer, and his eyes fluttered shut against his will, his head automatically shifting to a comfortable position on Logan’s shoulder as sleep finally overtook him.

Logan felt the weight of Virgil’s head settle onto his shoulder during the film, and smiled to himself, the his cheeks warming slightly. He looked over to the side sleeping next to him, and his breath caught slightly, he was so overwhelmed with emotion. Virgil looked so peaceful as he lay next to him, swamped in his hoodie which he had insisted on wearing over his pyjamas, a small smile resting on his lips.

However, Virgil wasn’t the only one to have missed out on sleep the night prior, and so by the time Patton opened the door around half an hour later, the two were snuggled in a heap in the corner of the sofa, Virgil with his hair ruffled and eyeshadow smudged, and Logan in his unicorn onesie, his glasses still on, albeit askew.

Patton put his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes briefly, inhaling. He smiled, and closed the door, leaving the two to their slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this chapter! This fic is going to be fairly short, so there is only one more chapter left! It was originally going to be a one shot, but I kept on writing it lol and it became this mess and here we are! 
> 
> I dont know whether anyone has noticed, but I also changed my name! I used to be fangirlunicornsera to match my tumblr, but I never used my tumblr anyway, so now I have a new blog on tumblr, and changed my name to match! So, if anyone wants to check it out, it's also called howdoesonewritethings and I will also be posting this fic there :)
> 
> Now that I'm done with the self promo, I'll head off!
> 
> I hope you guys like the next chapter!
> 
> Sera xx


	4. for me to love you.

Virgil awoke early the next morning to find another, very warm body lying very close to, and partially on top of him. He opened his eyes, and was immediately greeted by the beauty of a sleeping Logan. Unable to help himself, a small smile drifted onto Virgil’s lips, which almost immediately turned into a yawn.

What time was it? Virgil carefully extricated his limbs from Logan’s and crept over to the other side of the room, where he could just about make out the clock in the darkness of the room. It seemed to be coming up to around quarter to six in the morning. Logan probably wouldn’t wake for another forty odd minutes himself, something to do with that “Circadian Rhythm” thing he mentioned sometimes. Admittedly, Virgil had kinda messed that up for him over the last couple of nights and it was possible that the logical side might change his sleeping pattern accordingly.

Either way, there was a chance that Patton was already up and about, and Virgil felt like he hadn’t seen nearly enough of his friend since he had announced his relationship with Roman, something Virgil felt slightly guilty about. I mean, it wasn’t Patton’s fault that he was the way he was-

Nope, it was way too early for this. In an attempt to divert his thoughts, Virgil decided to head to the kitchen, to see whether Patton was up and about yet.

Before he left, he stopped in front of Logan, who was breathing steadily, a small smile visible through the dark. Virgil smiled too, and carefully reached forward and removed the other side’s glasses for him, placing them on the coffee table.

Approaching the kitchen, he could already tell that he had been correct in thinking Patton would already be up. He could hear the kettle boiling, and the clinking of cutlery as he walked towards the door.

Inside the room was Patton, humming cheerfully as he tidied away the washing up from the previous day, the first rays of sunlight shining through the window and into the room.

Patton looked up as Virgil entered. “Mornin’ Kiddo!” He greeted, sounding absolutely thrilled to see Virgil there.

His bright tone made Virgil feel slightly worse about not making the effort to talk to him, and the guilt was almost doubled when he realised that it had been his turn to tidy up the washing up last night.

“Oh, shit, Patton, that’s my job, I’m so sorry, let me help.” Virgil let out a jumbled mutter of panic as he hurried forwards, but Patton waved him off with a laugh.

“Aw, don’t worry about it kiddo, you didn’t even eat with Roman and I last night! In fact,” Here Patton grinned, and dropped his voice slightly, “I couldn’t help but notice you and Logan both cuddled up on the couch when I came in! It seems to me like someone had a movie night...”

Virgil blushed, and looked down at his feet. Patton had seen that? “Uh… yeah.” He responded awkwardly, his hand automatically going to the back of his neck as he shifted from foot to foot.

Patton smiled knowingly. “Look, I don’t wanna push ya kid, but I’m just saying, you should talk to him. You never know, he might surprise you. I mean, he always seems to surprise me!”

Virgil looked up at Patton in surprise. Did Patton know what was going on? Well. He probably knew about Virgil’s crush… he wasn’t particularly subtle about it. Still, maybe Patton had a point. “Maybe I will…” He mused aloud.

Patton smiled, and went back to his cutlery sorting.

“Um, Patton, I’m just gonna grab a granola bar and head upstairs, ok?” Virgil told Patton awkwardly. Logan would likely be up soon, and if he did decide to take Patton’s advice he would much rather do it in private, on his own terms than bump into him in the kitchen.

Patton hummed assent, and Virgil snagged a bar and headed up. He had some thinking to do.

By midday, Virgil had spent hours considering it, and had made his mind up and changed it again multiple times. At this point, he had decided to just do it, and was just steeling his nerves. He was looking at himself in a long mirror, just procrastinating on his own confession, really.

He exhaled and nodded to himself, and headed to his bedroom door. He could do this.

Could he though?

Virgil exhaled, and stepped away from the door, his hand gripping the back of his neck as he grimaced. Was he really ready to admit, to ANYONE, let alone LOGAN, that he was… well. As fucked up as he was?

I mean, when you keep something like this a secret for so long, it just becomes a fact that you accept and try to repress, and Virgil still didn’t feel ready to divulge this long-kept secret. In fact, even thinking about what he was actually planning to say was just making him feel slightly nauseous.

Why was he doing this?

In Virgil’s mind, literally the best possible case scenario was that Logan didn’t look at him like he was a freak. Worst case scenario…

Virgil’s hand tightened almost painfully around the back of his neck instinctively as a wave of anxiety hit him. He could imagine Logan’s sharp voice.

_“How… strange.”_ Logan’s voice said in his head, sounding disgusted.

_“Maybe you have to consider the possibility that you’re just a freak, Virgil.”_

_“Statistical anomalies do occur, I suppose.”_

_“That’s not a real thing, Virgil.”_

_“You’re just broken.”_

Imagining the words that he had told himself so many times said by Logan was awful, much worse than hearing it said in his own inner voice.

Suddenly deciding he couldn’t do this, Virgil turned to go back to bed, hoping to just sleep and continue as normal, but something stopped him.

_“You should talk to him. You never know, he might surprise you.”_

Patton’s voice rang in his ears, and Virgil exhaled. He couldn’t do this forever, and this worry was just going to keep burying him alive if he didn’t tell someone. So, he bit his lip and steeled himself. He had to do this. He couldn’t keep all of this bottled up in his mind forever, and maybe, hopefully, Patton would be right.

Virgil momentarily squeezed his eyes shut, before letting out a breath he had apparently been holding and nodded.

It was time to talk about this.

The walk to Logan’s room just across the hallway was realistically short, but it seemed like the longest trek of Virgil’s entire life. Each footfall on the carpet sounded like thunder in his ears, and his heart was beating so loudly, he thought it would burst.

Eventually, after what felt like eternities of walking, Virgil arrived outside Logan’s room. He swallowed, his throat dry, and knocked tentatively on the door.

It swung open almost immediately, and Virgil was greeted with a slightly rumpled Logan with a slight blush on his face. Upon seeing Virgil, he flushed even more, unconsciously adjusting his glasses and flattening his hair slightly.

Virgil was instantly reminded that he had left Logan asleep on the couch that morning and blushed slightly himself.

“Virgil,” Logan said, smiling happily, an expression that wasn’t visible on Logan’s face nearly enough in Virgil’s opinion, “It’s nice to see you this after noon.”

Virgil smiled, but it was somewhat tight, due to the fear that was constricting his throat slightly. “Yeah!” He managed to respond, before his throat closed up again. “Can I… talk to you about… something?” He managed to get out, almost choking on the words.

Logan seemed to grasp that something was slightly off, as his face assumed it’s quizzical expression, lips slightly parted, eyebrows raised. “Oh, yes, of course, come in.” He said, waving Virgil in.

Virgil had been in Logan’s room many times, but it still impressed him every time.

 It was decorated mostly in monochrome, with accents of green throughout to give it a pop of colour. One wall was entirely shelving, which was filled with as many books as you can imagine, as well as colourful gemstones, and pictures of the sides and Thomas. Another wall was simply an enormous window, because Logan insisted that “Vitamin D is essential for the health” (something that Roman had sniggered at many times). Logan’s double bed was set against a wall in the opposite side and next to it was a chest of drawers with a small collection of succulents set on top of them. Next to this was a long green couch, which had an indent in the corner and a book perched on the arm, indicating that was where Logan had been sitting when Virgil knocked. The middle of the room was taken up by a large glass table, which was currently overflowing with neat stacks of books. Plants and succulents were suspended from the ceiling, giving the whole room an open and natural feel, despite the modern elements.

Logan led Virgil towards the sofa, quickly grabbing the book on the arm and stuffing it on the bookshelf before Virgil could glance at the title. That wasn’t really the pressing issue right now though, so Virgil didn’t bother trying to figure it out.

When they were both seated on the sofa, Logan turned to Virgil. “What was it you needed?”

Virgil opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

Logan smiled kindly. “Take your time Virgil, it’s okay.”

All of a sudden, Virgil’s throat became unstuck, and he spoke in a muddled rush.

“Fuck, so I… Wait no. Okay. Essentially, over the last few years I noticed that there was something… different about me. And I know it’s not technically, like, a huge deal or anything but, shit, I don’t even know I just… I finally feel like I’m starting to fit in with you guys ,ya know, but this just makes me feel like an outsider and… I mean, I kind of repressed it until recently but then the whole Patton and Roman thing happened and, I mean, I’m super happy for them, but it kinda brought this all to the surface, and…”

Virgil took a deep breath, realising he was just rambling, and maybe he shouldn’t do this, but Logan was right next to him, his eyes encouraging, and Virgil had never felt able to talk like this before, and fuck the consequences, he was going to take advantage of this.

“What I’m trying to say, Logan, is that… I don’t like sex. I mean, I still like kisses and relationships and stuff but just not… that. It’s stupid, I know, and it shouldn’t affect me as much as it does, but I just think it’s… gross. But that’s not normal, and I…”

Virgil’s voice broke, tears threatening, and looked down. He didn’t want to face the possibility of looking up and seeing Logan look at him like the freak he was.

“So… Virgil, are you trying to tell me you’re asexual?”

Virgil looked up in shock.

“What?”

Logan furrowed his eyebrows. “Asexuality. It is defined as the sexual orientation of a person who does not experience sexual attraction in any form.”

Virgil gaped, his heart speeding up as he thought about what this could mean. “It’s… it’s a thing?”

Logan laughed. “Of course. Many people experience it, in different forms and ways. Some, like yourself by the sounds of it, are ‘sex repulsed’, whereas some are even sex positive. There is a whole scale of grey asexuality as well, including demisexuals, such as myself.”

Virgil’s breathing was shaking as this revelation caught up to him. He wasn’t a freak after all? There were others who experienced the same thing?

Then another part of what Logan had said hit him. “Demi…sexual?” He asked, confused.

Logan smiled at him, eyes twinkling as he adjusted his glasses. “I don’t want to get too complicated, but yes, I rarely experience sexual attraction, and even then, only with those whom I share an emotional bond with first.”

Virgil bit his lip, tears coming to his eyes. He wasn’t alone…

“Logan… can asexual people have relationships?”

“Of course! Sex positive ones have what is considered a “usual” relationship, but even sex repulsed asexuals can enjoy romantic intimacy. Often it can be with other asexuals, or even with non-asexuals who are willing to forfeit sex.”

Virgil’s brain felt like it was about to explode, but he needed to ask one more question. “Would you be willing to… you know. Forfeit it? Sex?”

Logan smiled once again, shrugging. “I don’t see why not. I’m not all that partial to it in the first place if I’m honest.”

There was a pause, Virgil struggling to comprehend… everything. His mind was literally overflowing with thoughts and feelings. Suddenly he stood up. “Do you mind if I go… I need to think.” He said somewhat apologetically to Logan.

Logan opened his mouth as if to say something, before closing it. The other side nodded, his eyes soft. “Yeah, no problem.”

He showed Virgil out, and nodded goodbye.

Virgil started to trek back across the corridor.

Things were… better than he ever could have imagined! It wasn’t suddenly alright of course, he still struggled to believe it, and he had years of self-hatred to overcome, but at least now he knew… he WASN’T alone in his experience.

A metaphorical weight had been lifted off of his chest. He arrived outside his room, and immediately noticed that it was literally brighter than usual, reflecting his mood. He smiled, biting his lip. Was he allowed to feel like this?

Like he wasn’t an outsider?

Like he was… normal?

Having told Logan everything, he felt so much better-

Well. He hadn’t told Logan everything, had he? He still had one more secret…

Fuck it.

In a split second decision, Vigil opened his door, and quickly left the room, striding down the corridor. Fuck it. He was so done feeling guilty over his feeling, and whatever happened, happened, and he wasn’t going to run away from this any more.

He turned a corner, and bumped directly into Logan, who was also walking in the opposite direction, a determined look on his face. Virgil looked up at the slightly taller side, who flushed slightly, looking like he was steeling himself up for something.

But Virgil needed to say this. “Logan-“He started to say, but was cut off.

Logan had stepped forward, and in one swift movement, had wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist and started kissing him. Virgil gasped into Logan’s soft lips in shock, as his brain short circuited.

It took him only seconds so respond, and he closed his eyes and reached his arms up to encircle Logan’s neck, moving his lips in harmony with the other man’s, the kiss gentle and adoring, making Virgil feel special and loved.

Logan’s lips were so soft and warm against his own, and Virgil adored the fact that Logan had to tilt his head down, while he was slightly raised onto the balls of his feet in order to reach. He wrapped his own arms around Logan, humming happily into the other side’s skin.

This was what he had always wanted. This was perfection.

A few moments later, Logan gently pulled away, smiling, adorably flushed. Virgil sighed, and released his arms slowly, sad that the beautiful moment had come to an end.

But Logan was still in front of him, flushed and slightly breathless. He coughed slightly awkwardly, and shifted his glasses on his nose. “I’m sorry if I have intruded on any boundaries, but I felt that you should know about my…  affection towards you-“

Virgil chuckled at the other side’s awkwardness, and grabbed him in a big hug, standing on his toes once more. “You are a giant dork.” He told him, grinning, before kissing him gently on the nose.

“Also, in that case, you should know that I, too, have what some might call, a ‘crush’.” Virgil told him, imitating Logan’s voice, his heart feeling as if it was about to burst with joy and love.

Logan chuckled. “I had decided it was about time I told you, I’ve been pining for weeks if I’m totally honest…”

Virgil smiled, but then a thought hit him. “Are you… are you sure you want to be with someone like me? You know I’m… slightly broken…”

Logan grinned, and whispered “falsehood” before interlinking their fingers. “Of course, I want to be with you Virgil, asexuality and all.”

Virgil swallowed his fears, and allowed himself to grin brightly, looking at their joined hands.

With Logan, he didn’t feel broken.

He felt… happy.

And that was the best thing ever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aah, so that's the end of this short fluffy mess! Honestly this is the first multi chapter fic I've ever completed lol. I hope you enjoyed it, maybe leave a comment if you did because they always make my day!
> 
> Before I go I just wanted to let you guys know that I have started writing another sanders sides fic, hopefully a longer one, featuring Logan as an assassin, and this one will be logicality and prinxiety! 
> 
> If you want to contact me, or see more of me feel free to follow my tumblr blog (howdoesonewritethings), and yah that's all, once again, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Sera x


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